This past week was just horrible. My stress level was super high; anticipating a difficult exam. I took comfort in my preparation,and prayed that I at least pass the exam and learn from it.
After weeks of studying I took the exam and got a 76%. We did group testing, which added 2 more points; totaling 78%. Yes, I should be happy with my grade, since I needed a 75% to pass. I passed, but felt horrible; actually worst than horrible. I felt like a complete failure.
It’s funny to have prayed about this exam, and gotten what I asked for. Although I passed, I am having a hard time accepting that grade, because to me, it does not represent all that I put into preparing for this exam.
Like I tell people, aim really high for exam 1 and do all you can to ensure you get a great high grade to start strong in the beginning. I say this so you have the cushion and your nerves can relax a little anticipating the upcoming exams. I, also say this because when it’s time for the last few exams, and finals; the stress is higher, so giving you room will only help you. ::sigh::
Ok, let’s get back to reality.
I got a 78%. I can see the HOLE at 75%. It is such a scary feeling. As I have always prepared and performed well to never SEE that HOLE, it is really scary now to be so close to it.
Anyways, after many tears, eating .5 gallon of ice cream, sleeping, and distracting myself I think I am finally recovering from this bad grade. The moment that helped me realize, “This is not the end.” was when I was at my volunteering assignment at the hospital.
I was watching a child, and interacting with him really made me realize how much I am meant to be a nurse. Although the journey will be hard, it will be well worth it. The brief
interaction I had with this child, gave me a new breath. (Hopefully that makes sense). I left the hospital feeling “lighter.” The bad grade was really weighing me down, and I hate that grades really break my happy spirit, because I know that is not me, and I know God has plan for me, and has it all figured out. Why do I worry?!?!?!
I was not only dealing with a bad grade, but also dealing with a horrible clinical day at the hospital, but more devastating the passing of one of my aunts. There is no worst feeling to be so far, and away from family during difficult times like this. My head space went directly to being alone across the country when my entire family is back home. Only being on the hospital floor for 1 minute, my head got clouded because of my personal life. I did my best to keep it together, but did end up losing it and crying my eyes out!
I did feel better after crying. As I cried in front of a very nice monitor tech,it also made me realize how fragile I can be at times. Sometimes I do have to break down, and show my emotions, and I have to accept that it’s okay to respond like that sometimes. Lastly, to top it all off it’s been 1 week since I’ve seen my hubby, and we have 1 more week to go before I see him. Argghhh…Week 4 you suck…
Anyways, during clinical I spoke to my teacher about my grade, and we will be sitting down and reviewing my exam hopefully tomorrow. Although, she said she was impressed with my grade (have no idea why), it is not for me. NOT even a little.
She was very encouraging that I will get better, and that my scores will also improve. I look forward to that, so I can breath a little easier, and see myself as a student who successfully passes this course.
Well, I have printed new notes for tomorrow’s lecture, and I am making efforts to finishing this horrible week before tomorrow.
I am going to continue reading Proverbs (thanks YT subbie), pray, and do my best to start fresh tomorrow.
Thanks to everyone who has commented on my latest vlog. I really do appreciate your comments.